Below is an email from one the participants of the intimate relationships workshops. It's an email he wrote after an argument he recently experienced with his partner. It’s a great example of how the concepts discussed and practiced in the sessions manifest in reality. This Participant is anonymous but has given permission for this to be posted, as an example for all to learn from. Below is the email. Some of the details such as “Chicken sandwich incident” will not make sense to readers because it has a history and a pattern and maybe will be further discussed in future blogs. It gives a great example of how the workshops help relationships.
"Not getting you a pie.
Not cleaning the house.
So I have just outlined the points you brought up in a conversation now about trigger stacking. You don't seem to care about the actual events themselves. So the question is, or the problem going through your mind seems to be “does he think about me or does he think about himself more?” It's a classic chicken sandwich incident, as in you didn't want the actual fucking sandwich. You wanted to be asked if you wanted a sandwich. If you don't get asked you feel taken for granted, and that in turn it triggers your negative core belief of worthlessness. You said "what goes through your mind?" So it's a question of what you think I am thinking?
That phone call was rough. You have to be careful, in as much as I said something like: we should both go away and have a think about things. It's not a freaking hard job to work out what's being said there. Our triggers go to thin ice instantly! What, how? Trigger done. I chose flight eg: "well lets go and think". I am surprised. Why? I got a pie because I was fucking hungry, so hungry my stomach was hurting. Right? So I get a pie. I got you a coffee, and me a pie cause I was sick with hunger and I had to fix that immediately. But I can see your point, yet really struggle with it as it's about how you think, I think. I’m triggered to “avoidance” because you giving me back the dollar meant that you wanted to pick a fight instead of asking “can you grab me a pie too?”
Again, it's about how you're feeling and deep core beliefs that are being triggered. It's not the pie AT ALL!
I don't know. I have this awful feeling that you're over it? You said a bunch of times it's been 18 months now, and the subtext seems to be that it's been 18 months and I have gotten to know you and I don't like it. Maybe now I’m triggered thinking that you are saying I’m a “shit person” or something. Maybe, just maybe, both our core beliefs of worthlessness are having a fucking party.
So Fuck. I don’t know what to do. I will wait for your call tonight. Love you"